In the Bible, you will not find, “Thou Shalt Not Kilt”. Not even in the Ten Commandments. Still, there ought to be a law regarding Kilts! Here is my reasoning.
Recently, while minding my own business, driving my bus on my prescribed route, I pulled up to a stop in Lake Oswego. Normal routine. We are supposed to stop when we see a rider who intends on riding the bus. (Go figure.) Stop, I did and a woman got on, paid her fare and so forth. Just as I was getting ready to close the door and to pull away from the curb, I heard a “flop, flop, flop” sound. The bus stop was located at the bottom of a small incline and the “flop, flop, flop” I was hearing were the feet of a “runner” as they’re called. “Someone-who-waits-to0-late-to-be-on-time-and-has-to-run-to-catch-the-bus-and-blames-the-bus-driver-for-their-having-to-run-to-catch-the-bus-on-time” is what I call them!
As it turned out, said “-runner-…..”was a male and even more disturbing than his being late was the fact that he was running in a kilt! He was wearing an above the hairy calf, all the way up to above the fat, knobby knees, black kilt, which was loaded with pockets and pleats and silver rings and chains and safety pins. (Not that I paid any attention to detail!)
Now, on that minor description alone, don’t you think that kilts should be outlawed? Sure, I’ve heard that men of old, in foreign countries used to wear kilts into battle so that when the need came to take care of normal bodily situations, they could easily do so with little interruption. No having to say, “Time out! I need to use the bathroom. Be right back. Feel free to carry on plundering and pillaging and killing without me. I’ll be right back”. Nobody ever thought of saying that. Instead, they took to wearing kilts.
But…I have not heard the theory that I am about to propose. When such notorious men as Hagar The Horrible, Erik the Awful and Ivan The Terrible met to do battle with these girly-mons in skirts, all these kilt bearers had to do was run towards them and the seasoned warriors would cry out in horror. Like whipped puppies, they would flee back to the comforting arms of their mommies and another war would have been settled, just like that! Thus, another good reason for the law, “Thou shalt not kilt”!
Just a side note at the bottom of the page; I did make a full recovery from the above described traumatic situation and was doing fine….until “kilt boy” showed up for another bus ride! Why do these repeat offenders always show up for my bus? Why not wait for the next Viking bus? Perhaps it might be driven by one such “Culotte Carol”! If so, I say, “Let the games begin!”