Tag Archives: pregnant

“So what’s so hard about having a baby”?

     “So what’s so hard about having a baby”?  Ever know anybody who asked that question to a pregnant lady and lived to talk about it?

     My advice would be to never, ever let those words escape from your mouth.  And to be even safer, don’t even think those thoughts, for fear that a pregnant woman, any pregnant woman would read your mind and ring your neck before you formed your thoughts into audible words!

      But if you do make that mistake of speaking them and live through it, you may hear the following statement regarding the birthing of a baby: “You pull a watermelon out of your nostril and then we’ll talk!”

     I find myself needing to ask a few questions: “If watermelons are that dangerous, why is anybody standing with their nostril that close to such a dangerous fruit in the first place”?  And, “Are we talking the round, smaller-than-a-bowling-ball watermelon or one of those longer-than-it-is-wide watermelons”?  Also, “How does one go about getting a watermelon up the nose in the first place?  Was the watermelon self-implanted or was there help putting it up there?  And then, “What if watermelons are not in season?  Will a zucchini work or should one go from fruit stand to fruit stand in pursuit of the perfect nasal orb”?  Final question, “Wouldn’t it be wiser to have the watermelon-up-the-nose surgically removed by a qualified surgeon than trying to pull it out yourself”? 

     I don’t know what to think now.  Evidently, I never made the mistake of asking my wife the original question about the difficulty of having a baby because I can still go near watermelons with no fear of a nasal filling.  We, well, actually my wife gave birth to six healthy babies, none of them remotely comparable to a melon.  I have managed to keep my nose clean through all six of them.  And now, we have four grandchildren, and none of them resemble melons of any sort in any way!  The cool thing was that none of them came from the garden or had to be watered daily. 

     What I’m thinking is that it would be safer to play marbles on the freeway, during rush hour, with hand grenades, than to ask a pregnant woman what is so hard about having a baby!  That’s my conclusion!

101 THINGS I MAYBE SAID TO MY PREGNANT WIFE!

     Sometimes, we hubbies can be, how shall I say it? 

A little bit unsensitive maybe.  Insensitive.  Under sensitive. 

Especially  in such times as during pregnancy!            

                                                                                                                                               

     A certain part of the male human mind doesn’t always comprehend how gingerly a wife needs to be dealt with during this all important part of a marriage.  They need more of our concern and less of our lack of understanding.  More of what they want and need to hear and less of what they hear when we don’t think through what we say months in advance before we say it!

     Having been through six pregnancies myself and survived them, I feel I have some very important information to NOT pass along.  In other words, learn from my mistakes.  It will make your own nine months more survivable and you may live to become a father again!

  1. You have to go to the bathroom again?  You just went, didn’t you?

  2. Is that my bowling ball you are hiding under your dress?

  3. Hey, your underwear are a size bigger than mine!

  4. Say, you’re getting bigger all over!

  5. You’re crying just because I said your hormones are wacko?

  6. I suppose you think your being pregnant at home is worse than my going to work everyday.

  7. You’re not going to have morning sickness all nine months are you?

  8. You crave what?

  9. Of course you’re uncomfortable and can’t sleep but why should I have to suffer too?

  10. It’s three o’clock in the morning!  How come you didn’t crave this at some decent hour?

  11. Aren’t you afraid that all that chocolate is going to make you fatter?

  12. So, how long has it been since you last saw your feet?

  13. Are you sure when our wedding vows said, To have and to hold“, it wasn’t referring to your responsibilities with the children?

  14. You’re not going to cry again, are you?

  15. But you do waddle like a duck!

  16. You think you having a baby is worse than when I had my tonsils taken out?

  17. You want me to rent a truck so you can ride in the back?

  18.  You really can’t suck that gut in, can you?

  19. If you swallowed this cute little outfit, would the baby be born with clothes on?

  20. Do you have to make those annoying grunting sounds every time the baby kicks?

  21. You don’t think I could handle having a baby?

  22. What do you mean, you can’t fit behind the steering wheel anymore?

  23. It’s not over til the fat lady sings!

  24. You’re telling me that you sat down without help but now you need my help getting back up?

  25. Honey, have you seen my sign that says “Wide Load”?

  26. Okay, okay, you don’t look like a Sumo wrestler after all!

  27. I’ll quit saying, “Thar she blows” if you quit huffing and puffing every time you move.

  28. Maybe I should call a tow truck to help get you out of bed!

  29. It bothered you when I asked if you ever heard the song, “I feel the earth move under my feet”?

  30. At least if you fell in the lake, you would float, belly side up.

  31. I call it the “Belly Barrow”!  It’s my version of a wheel barrow for your belly!

  32. With the “Belly Barrow”, you can really push your weight around”!

  33. If you dyed your hair green and wore an orange shirt with a smiley face on it, you’d look just like a jack-o-lantern! 

  34. Of course you’re big but that just gives me that much more of you for me to love!

  35. Either I’m shrinking or you’re taking up a lot more of the couch than you used to!

  36. Please don’t sit on my lap right now…or for the next few months.

  37. When the baby is born, I think both of my arms may be broken so that I probably won’t be able to change the baby’s diapers.

  38. I watched you give birth to the last five kids and believe me, it’s not a pretty sight!

  39. When the baby is born, let’s send out double print pictures so everyone will think we had twins!

  40. Can’t we just tie a string to the baby’s foot, tie the other end to a door knob and slam the door to get the baby out?

  41. But newborn babies do look like raisins!

  42. But what if I really am allergic to baby puke?  What then?

  43. Could you move over please?  You’re blocking the light from the lamp!

  44. So, when I say, “Hey Hippy”, it hurts your feelings?

  45. You’ve got one maternity dress now.  How many maternity dresses do you need?

  46. The reason maternity clothes cost so much is because there is so much material!

  47. So, you’re saying that having a baby is not at all like spitting out a water melon seed?

  48. But I was just kidding when I told the photographer to get out the wide-angle lens! 

  49. But you do remind me of the Pillsbury Dough Boy!

  50. Well, sure, you are eating for two, but two whats?

  51. If this is all there is to having babies, how about a couple dozen!

  52. I still think that if we would have named the kids, “One, Two, Three, Four, Five and Six”, it would have been a lot easier than coming up with six different names.

  53. I think that after you give birth to the baby, I deserve a good long break, don’t you?

  54. You mean that even turning sideways, you still can’t get close enough to the sink to the dishes?

  55. Is that really a baby in there or are you just over-eating?

  56. I suppose you don’t think I would change places with you if I could…..for a few hours!

  57. If you’re retaining so much water, how come you can’t make a trek through the desert like a camel?

  58. I could see it if I had said that you looked like a zucchini but what’s wrong with saying you look like a pear?

  59. Were those pants always that tight on you?

  60. That floor board never creaked before!

  61. What a coincidence!  Now, you’re getting heart burn from your own cooking too!

  62. You’re six months pregnant, you’ve put on some weight and you’re asking me if your face looks fat!

  63. If walking hurts your feet so much, why don’t you just lay down and I’ll roll you where you want to go!

  64. Me?  Well, ya, I was humming “Deep And Wide”.  Why?

  65. Let me review this: I go to the video store, rent Free Willy, Dumbo and Moby Dick.  I bring them home.  You cry!

  66. Your mother didn’t laugh either when I told her you were on the level because your bubble is in the middle!

  67. Let’s see, you’ll be nine months in December.  Want to be Santa Clause this year?

  68. Don’t look at it as always spilling food down your front.  Look at it as an extra shelf to catch crumbs for later!

  69. What do you mean, “You can’t catch me now but just wait”!?

  70. Look at it this way.  If we go to the beach, no muscle-bound ape is going to kick sand in my face as long as you’re there!

  71. As much as I need to go, as badly as I want to leave, I just can’t seem to move.  You’re standing on my foot!

  72. Just because you crave something doesn’t mean the rest of the family craves the same thing!

  73. You remind me of a fast-food place.  Everything is super-sized!

  74. Maybe we better not cross that bridge.  It has a weight restriction posted.

  75. I’d love to let you sit on my lap but the feeling is just now returning to my legs from the last time you sat on it!

  76. Didn’t you used to have an “outie” belly button instead of an “inny”?

  77. I don’t want you to freak out but there’s a big hairy spider on your foot.  Just kidding!

  78. What do you mean, “Once you have the baby, you’ll need something other than maternity clothes to wear”?

  79. Isn’t being pregnant fun?

  80. Just pretend you’re looking into one of those trick mirrors at the carnival that makes everyone short, squatty and fat!

  81. Have you noticed that when you sit down, your whole lap disappears?

  82. I don’t suppose you have any idea what happens to all the left-overs that disappear from the fridge each night, do you?

  83. In the fable of The Tortoise And The Hare, do you suppose the husband is the hare and the pregnant wife is the tortoise?

  84. Some day, you’ll look back on all of this and cry all over again!

  85. You should feel lucky.  Some wild animals are pregnant for a year or more!

  86. Just think.  When you pack for the hospital, you can sit on and close your own suitcase!

  87. That’s not chocolate covered spaghetti that you’re eating, is it?

  88. You really get around, don’t you?  Get it?  Get a-round!

  89. If you ever fell out of an airplane, you could use your maternity dress for a parachute!

  90. That’s quite a spread you got there, Partner!

  91. Only 47 more days til “blast off”!

  92. Let me rephrase that: No man or woman is an island!

  93. You’re lucky you’re not a wiener dog.  Otherwise, your belly would be dragging on the floor!

  94. You aren’t thinking of becoming a belly dancer, are you?

  95. Pop goes the weasel!  I mean, Pop goes the…toaster?  Pop goes the…. Poptart? 

  96. How’s my little Hunch Belly of Notre Dame doing today?

  97. If it’s twins, are you going to be pregnant for 18 months?

  98. Potholes never bothered you before you were pregnant!

  99. I just saw your “bowl of jelly” move all by itself!

  100. If you keep huffing and puffing, you’ll blow the house down!

  101. You are talking about fixing the dog, aren’t you?  Aren’t you?

     Actually, I probably didn’t use any of these (at least not out loud) so no need for anyone to want to ban me from the earth for actually being a thoughtless father.  I value my life, my wife’s feelings and the awesome privilege of being a father, especially six times over! 

Thank you my beloved wife,

Carrie Dawn.

     I have been told that a woman having a baby compares to a man having kidney stones.  My wife has had six babies, I have had two major bouts with kidney stones.  She said I owe her four more kidney stones to catch up to her.  I told her, “If you want more kidney stones, we’ll adopt the last four!